I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. All English Franais. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. Sign up for Slate Plus now. It will be! A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. January 30, 2021, 7:00 AM. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. Dont do anything. Its anonymous! How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. Photo illustration by Slate. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. My ex and I used to have a co-parenting agreement in which we both agreed to bring any parenting concerns directly to the other co-parent, but she never really followed that. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Have a question for Care and Feeding? Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. Photo by Getty Images Plus. He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. Dont get defensive or angry when it happens. When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. I Despise My In-Laws. But more importantly, let your actions toward them show who you really are. Hopefully, the kids will learn to ignore their mothers claims about you. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. I am 100 percent certain that this dynamic existed long before you entered the family. Photo illustration by Slate. Or Scotch tape. And I would say that Daisy needs to be talking to a therapist without her mother present as well as undergoing therapy with her. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. Here's the lowdown You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. content language. I would prefer she choose the state school. This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. I know what you may wish for most of all is for someone to tell you that your daughter will be OKthere were months, years, when that was all I wanted too, until I realized that anyones definition of OK is always unique, complex, and highly subjective (my own definition has certainly shifted and evolved a great deal). I suppose I dont even know what my question is. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. A book based on the column titled Dear Prudence: Liberating Lessons from Slate.com's Beloved Advice Column will be released on April 4, 2023. Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? Uh, No Thanks. I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. She took the baby and left the room to feed him. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. Dear Care and. My personal favorite: My 3-Year-Old Keeps Complimenting Me on My White Skin [December 1, 2020] She does, however, like to sneak snacks. My question is, what do I say to these people? At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. We met, got married, and live in her hometown. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roadsI was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, as if you think Im incompetent. I took this as her setting a boundary and told her Id respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. All rights reserved. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. Their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way. Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. For her 40th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. View more recently sold homes. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. Photo illustration by Slate. Hes a loving man so she stays and I understand how tough that would be. I think you do have to get back into therapy. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. Some days wont be so great, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it. Yes, I completely understand how upsetting it is to watch your daughter struggle, but she has to learn to figure out how to deal with this on her own, or else youre looking at a lifetime of enabling her, and I know you dont want that. When I peek at him, he is just trying them onit may just be a sensory thing. You can still be respectful of your ex as you confront some of her claims about you. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. Sometimes people who are hurting arent their best selves? They continue to take Care of their troubled adult daughter and Ill sometimes hear them sort impatiently! 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